I had a couple of deep discussions lately, with old friends and new lovers, on relationships, on love and mostly on jealousy.
The main topic at key always was my lack of jealousy. I can be envious, or disappointed, but I'm just not jealous. Especially not in love. And it just might be a defense mechanism, or I'm just truly broken.
I was born with a lot of emotional defects, see. In a given situation, I'm always part of the 1% of the population who reacts differently from the crowd. It used to annoy me, how everybody was weird and different; in my eyes off course my ways were the best ones. Now I fully realize and embrace that I'm the odd one out. Heck, I'm a odd duck and I'm happily swimming in my pond of singularity.
But it gets complicated when it comes to relationships. Most men are quite happy with just fucking me: after all why buy the cow if you can have the milk for free? Quite a lot of them also enjoy my company: I'm truly a fun person to have around and if only for the hundreds of crazy stories I have to tell, I am extremely entertaining. I'm a smart and well read woman who can hold a discussion on a wide variety of subjects, sex-related or not. But very few of them would make me their girlfriend.
It's an age old dilemma, isn't it? You fuck the whore and marry the saint. It's also a terrible hypocrisy. Why do you ythink so many marriage ends up in divorce? So many celebrity marriage scandals end up on the Internet? I don't envy the well-educated nice girls who get offered an engagement ring right out of college. They do get cheated on.
And while I don't believe in monogamy, I don't believe in lying to your partner either. And in their case, discovering your partner infidelity is a life-breaking event. So yes, honestly, I don't envy them. Then again it's a very complicated game I play. And it dawned on me recently that I will probably never be able to find a perfect partner. Someone who, like me, both harvest the desire to have a big family, and understand my need to be in someone elses' arms once in a while.
That wouldn't make me any less of a good wife & mother. I'd likely do everything in my power not to let that affect our day to day life. And I would be the type of wife to encourage my husband to go and fuck some young and tender woman once in a while too.
Physical desires and matters of the heart are so different, I never understood why people often make them mutually exclusive.